Yes, yes I know it’s grammatically incorrect to use one-word sentences—definitely for a mere mortal, and certainly for someone who does this for a living—but I felt a big event like my first-ever blog post was enough of a justification to get into the car, whip out my poetic license and begin driving…
And as long as I’m playing the poetic license card, I may as well break a few more sacred grammatical rules. On second thought…why strain my brain to come up with a witty list when a perfectly awesome one already exists. No sense in reinventing the wheel, right?
Enjoy the list below and have a great day!
William Safire’s Satirical Grammatical Rules
Note carefully that each of the following breaks the rule it describes.
- Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.
- Don’t use no double negatives.
- Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; and never where it isn’t.
- Reserve the apostrophe for it’s proper use and omit it when its not needed.
- Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
- No sentence fragments.
- Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
- Avoid commas, that are not necessary.
- If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
- A writer must not shift your point of view.
- Eschew dialect, irregardless.
- And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
- Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!!
- Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
- Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
- Don’t use contractions in formal writing.
- Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
- It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms.
- Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have snuck in the language.
- Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors.
- Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
- Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
- Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
- If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole.
- Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.
- Don’t string too many prepositional phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of death.
- Always pick on the correct idiom.
- “Avoid overuse of ‘quotation “marks.”’”
- The adverb always follows the verb.
I hope these gave you a good laugh! They certainly gave me one.
Yours in crisp, error-free writing,